Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
