all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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