It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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