A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
