Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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