I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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