no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
