I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
