my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
