Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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