atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
