We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
