I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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