Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
