why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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