he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
