I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
