Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
