I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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