My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
