If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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