I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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