My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i've created a new STD.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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