I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
