Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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