u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
