my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
