You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't put those talents on a resume
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
