I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
