Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
