Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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