ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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