Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
