I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
