Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
