the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
