Say something about gay babies.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
