Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize