were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
