I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
