Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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