Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Randomize
