my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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