We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
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Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.