I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
Hahaha April fools!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon