Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
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Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
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"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.