My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
