I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
