I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
