In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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