Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
