You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
