You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
