onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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