the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
