yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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