its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize