Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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