You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
